So drunk its hurt
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
