I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
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Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
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