I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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