i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
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Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
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In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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