Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
