I want to stick my p in your. b.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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