Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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