I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
