im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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