please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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