Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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