it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
