I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
