matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Oh god it's open bar.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
