i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
