can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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