I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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