I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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