We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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