i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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