Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
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I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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