Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Come on in and take your pants off
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