he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
