R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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