My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
