they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You ruined the universe
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
