Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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