The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
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