just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
