i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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