omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
