I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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