A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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