So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
