I hope mine doesn't look like that
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
