Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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