the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
