thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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