Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
