Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize