So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Semen is not good for contacts.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
