If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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