I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
