please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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