She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
