mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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