If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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