Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
