the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
