last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
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Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
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Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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