i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
