I didn't shave. On purpose
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I stole a fireplace last night.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
