There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
No...this little piggys going to the bar
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
