I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
