I wish I only lived at night.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
birth control should be required to get into college
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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