You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
