someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
